30 September 2009

I want one of these T-shirts

But shoot, did I mess up in my addition?

My latest count is God: 2,301,426, Satan: 10.

Did I miss 90,000 of God's victims?

Note: I found the missing victims. I removed the estimated 90,000 from the Midianite massacre since I'm only including numbers that are explicitly given in the biblical text. (See the note at the bottom of How man has God killed?

Happy Blasphemy Day!

It's finally here: Blasphemy Day. So get out and blaspheme, gosh darn it.

But before you do, I thought I'd let you know what the Bible says about blasphemy.

  1. Blasphemers must be stoned to death.
    And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:13-16

  2. If you cause others to blaspheme, God might just have to kill your child, like he did to David and Bathsheba's baby boy.
    Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick ... And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18
  3. If you blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, God will never forgive you.
    (Fucking Holy Ghost!)
    All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew 12:31-32
    But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness Mark 3:29
    And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven. Luke 12:10

  4. If you blaspheme, you will be delivered to Satan who will teach you not to blaspheme.
    (Who knew that Satan teaches people not to blaspheme?)
    Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme. 1 Timothy 1:20
  5. A slave ("servant" in the KJV) that doesn't give her master all honor blasphemes God.
    Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed. 1 Timothy 6:1
  6. To avoid blasphemy, wives must obey their husbands.
    Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
  7. And, of course, Jews are blaspheming members of the synagogue of Satan.
    I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan. Revelation 2:9

  8. Someday there will be a beast that comes out of the sea that has seven heads with a blasphemous name (Jesus Fucker) written on each head.
    I stood ... saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy ... And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death. Revelation 13:1-3

    Here's what it will look like.

But don't let any of this bullshit stop you. Write 'Jesus Fucker' on your forehead and get out there and blaspheme!

28 September 2009

Five kings killed and hung on trees

In his last killing, God got right in there and "fought for Israel." He "discomfited them ... and slew them with a great slaughter ... and chased them along the way." He "cast down great stones from heaven" and made the sun (and moon) stand still still so that Joshua could get his killing done in the broad daylight. God hadn't been so busy since he made all the stars in a single day.

But while God was busy chasing people, throwing stones, and stopping the sun and the moon from moving, the five kings got away.
But these five kings fled, and hid themselves in a cave at Makkedah. Joshua 10.16
When the Israelites found them, Joshua told them to roll some big stones over the mouth of the cave to trap them, and then chase and kill any of the Amorite soldiers that were trying to get away. He told them to "smite the hindmost of them" (kick their butts).
Pursue after your enemies, and smite the hindmost of them; suffer them not to enter into their cities: for the LORD your God hath delivered them into your hand. 10.19
So that's what they did.
And it came to pass, when Joshua and the children of Israel had made an end of slaying them with a very great slaughter, till they were consumed. 10.20
Then they opened up the cave and brought the five kings to Joshua. He and his captains then do something strange: they put their feet on the necks of the kings.
Joshua ... said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. 10.24
While their doing this, Joshua says
Thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. 10.25
So I guess God does this to his enemies, too.

After Joshua withdraws his feet from the kings' necks, he does what he does best: he kills them.
Joshua smote them, and slew them. 10.26a
And hangs their dead bodies on trees until evening.
And hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. 10.26b
Then he took down their bodies, put them back in the cave that they were hiding in, and covered the entrance to the cave with a bunch of rocks. The rocks are still there to this day. No kidding.
They took them down off the trees, and cast them into the cave wherein they had been hid, and laid great stones in the cave's mouth, which remain until this very day. 10.27
(I put the death toll for the “very great slaughter” of Joshua 10.20 at 10,000.)

22 September 2009

God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get his killing done before dark

Joshua and the Israelites have been slaughtering or enslaving the people from every city that they came across. They killed everyone in Jericho and Ai and enslaved the people of Gibeon (Joshua 9.21-27). So the neighboring cities were getting kind of nervous.

Five kings from these cities (the Amorite coalition) decided to attack the Israelites. Then God gets involved.

God tells Joshua not to worry; he has given the Amorites into Joshua's hand, and they would just run away when they were attacked.
The LORD said unto Joshua, Fear them not: for I have delivered them into thine hand; there shall not a man of them stand before thee. Joshua 10.8
So Joshua attacked, but it was God who did most of the dirty work. He “discomfited them” and even “chased them along the way.”
The LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way. 10.10
But God was just getting started. He threw down from heaven giant hailstones and killed even more Amorite soldiers than the Israelite army.
The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword. 10.11
Then God made the sun and moon stop moving for 24 hours so that Joshua would have plenty of daylight to finish killing off the Amorites. (It was this verse, among others, that got Galileo in so much trouble. If God stopped the sun from moving, then the sun moves around the earth.)
Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites ... Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. ... So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day. 10.12-13
So in this killing, God got directly involved. He slaughtered people, "chased them along the way," cast down huge hailstones from heaven, and, at Joshua's request, he stopped the sun from moving for 24 hours. You just can't ask much more from a God than that.

Here's how the Bible puts it.
There was no day like that before it or after it, that the LORD hearkened unto the voice of a man: for the LORD fought for Israel. 10.14
 (Since the Amorite coalition consisted of 5 cities, I put the number killed at 5000. 1000 for each city.) 

Don't Read the Bible (Listen to Wacky Bible Stories)

OK. I need to cut this out. Just one more, I promise.

But this is a good story from Numbers 11.

Don't read the Bible (Watch Messed-Up Bible Stories Instead)

I know, I should get back to God's killings. But all the massacres get kind of boring after a while. So I thought I'd throw in something a bit more entertaining.

So here's Messed-up Bible Stories for you.

And here's one of my favorites:

I just wish they'd have spent a bit more time on Genesis 6:4, "There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men...." But I guess they had to keep it PG rated to meet YouTube standards.

I'll be adding links at the bottom of the SAB chapters for these messed-up Bible stories, too.

Don't Read the Bible (Let the Bible Slam read it for you)

I don't know how I missed this up to now, but I did. It's the Bible Slam.

Here is the latest: Exodus 19.

(I totally missed it. The meeting between God and Moses was a volcanic eruption!)

I'm going to go back and see what else I missed. As I read along (or have it read to me) I'll be adding links to the Bible Slam at the bottom of each chapter of the SAB.

Someone should do this for the Quran and the Book of Mormon. Does't the Quran Slam sound good?

18 September 2009

Gay people can (and should) quote the Bible too

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him ... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

Have you got your Bible holster yet?

It's the new Republican uniform!

Why is it that religious nuts are almost always gun nuts too?

16 September 2009

The Ai Massacre

After stoning and burning to death Achan and his family, Joshua was back in business.

God told Joshua to do unto Ai as they did unto Jericho, except that this time the Israelites could keep some of the loot for themselves (instead of giving it all to him).
Thou shalt do to Ai and her king as thou didst unto Jericho and her king: only the spoil thereof, and the cattle thereof, shall ye take for a prey unto yourselves. Joshua 8.2
So that's what they did.

They killed the soldiers,
Joshua and all Israel … slew the men of Ai ... so that they let none of them remain or escape. 8.21-22
burned the city,
Joshua burnt Ai, and made it an heap for ever. 8.28
murdered all the women and children,
Joshua drew not his hand back, wherewith he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of Ai. 8.26
killed the King of Ai, and hung his dead body on a tree.
The king of Ai he hanged on a tree until eventide. 8.29
Just like God told them to do.

And, finally, after they were done killing all the people, Joshua killed some animals as a "peace offering" to his bloody God of war.
Then Joshua built an altar unto the LORD ... and ... offered thereon burnt offerings unto the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings. 8:30-31
One thing I really like about this story (What's not to like?) is that this time I don't have to guess the number of victims. The Bible tells us how many were killed: 12,000.
And … all that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand. 8.25
God's next killing: God stops the sun so Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight

12 September 2009

Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

This is one of those bible stories that most believers don't really believe in, if they know it exists, that is. It's simply not possible to believe this story and also believe that the God of the Bible is anything other than evil.

The story begins with Joshua sending spies to the land of Ai. The spies return saying Ai would be easy to conquer, requiring only a few thousand men.
Joshua sent men from Jericho to Ai … and spake unto them, saying, Go up and view the country. And the men went up and viewed Ai. And they returned to Joshua, and said …let about two or three thousand men go up and smite Ai … for they are but few. Joshua 7.2-3
So Joshua sent 3,000 soldiers, but they were defeated by the men of Ai, who killed about 36 of them.
So there went up thither of the people about three thousand men: and they fled before the men of Ai. And the men of Ai smote of them about thirty and six men. 7.4-5
When Joshua heard what had happened, he tore his clothes, fell on his face, and put dirt on his head, thereby proving that he was a real Bible character.
Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads. 7.6
He then asked God why they were defeated.
Joshua said, Alas, O LORD God, wherefore hast thou at all brought this people over Jordan, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us? 7.7
God told Joshua to get up off his face.
The LORD said unto Joshua, Get thee up; wherefore liest thou thus upon thy face? 7.10
And then God said that the Israelites were defeated by Ai because someone took an accursed thing during the Jericho Massacre.
Israel hath sinned … for they have even taken of the accursed thing … and they have put it even among their own stuff. Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, but turned their backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you. 7.11-12
But God told Joshua what he needed to do to get back to successful genocide: burn to death the man with the accursed thing, along with his family.
He that is taken with the accursed thing shall be burnt with fire, he and all that he hath. 7.15
God even pointed out the guy. His name was Achan.
In the morning therefore ye shall be brought according to your tribes: and it shall be, that the tribe which the LORD taketh shall come according to the families thereof; and the family which the LORD shall take shall come by households; and the household which the LORD shall take shall come man by man. … So Joshua rose up early in the morning, and brought Israel by their tribes; and the tribe of Judah was taken: And he brought the family of Judah; and he took the family of the Zarhites: and he brought the family of the Zarhites man by man; and Zabdi was taken: And he brought his household man by man; and Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, was taken. 7.14-18
So Joshua ordered Achan to confess.
Joshua said unto Achan … make confession unto him; and tell me now what thou hast done; hide it not from me. 7.19
And he did.
Achan answered Joshua, and said, Indeed I have sinned against the LORD God of Israel, and thus and thus have I done: When I saw among the spoils a goodly Babylonish garment, and two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold of fifty shekels weight, then I coveted them, and took them; and, behold, they are hid in the earth in the midst of my tent, and the silver under it. 7.20-21
He then rounded up Achan, his family, his livestock, and all their possessions. "And all Israel stoned them with stones and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." And that made God less angry.
And Joshua …took Achan … and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep … And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. … So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. 7.24-26
Since Achan’s sons and daughters were stoned and burned along with him, there must have been at least 5 victims here. (No mention is made of his wife.)

God's next killing: The Ai massacre

08 September 2009

The Jericho Massacre

Jericho is one of God's more famous killings. And believers seem to like it a lot. They sing songs about it, and tell their children about it.

Here's how it goes.

God tells Joshua that he has given the city of Jericho into his hands and that he and his men should march around the city every day for six days with seven priests marching before the ark blowing seven trumpets made of rams' horns.
The LORD said unto Joshua, See, I have given into thine hand Jericho, and the king thereof, and the mighty men of valour. And ye shall compass the city, all ye men of war, and go round about the city once. Thus shalt thou do six days. And seven priests shall bear before the ark seven trumpets of rams' horns. Joshua 6.2-4a
On the seventh day the seven priests will march around seven times blowing their seven trumpets. They'll make a long blast, everyone will yell, and the walls will fall down.
The seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the priests shall blow with the trumpets. And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long blast with the ram's horn, and when ye hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city shall fall down flat. Joshua 6.4b-5
So the trumpets sounded and the people yelled and the walls came tumbling down.
On the seventh day, that … they compassed the city seven times. And … at the seventh time, when the priests blew with the trumpets, Joshua said unto the people, Shout; for the LORD hath given you the city. … So the people shouted when the priests blew with the trumpets: and … the wall fell down flat. Joshua 6.15-20
Then Joshua told the soldiers to kill everyone in the city as an offering to God, except for the prostitute, Rahab, and her family. But all the silver, gold, bronze, and iron belonged to God alone.
The city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD: only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all that are with her in the house, because she hid the messengers that we sent. And ye, in any wise keep yourselves from the accursed thing, lest ye make yourselves accursed, when ye take of the accursed thing, and make the camp of Israel a curse, and trouble it. But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD. Joshua 6.17-19
So the soldiers went into the city and killed everything in it. Men, women, young, old, cattle, sheep, and donkeys. But they spared Rahab and her family.
They utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. … And Joshua saved Rahab the harlot alive, and her father's household, and all that she had. Joshua 6.21-25
(Rahab and her family were spared because she protected the Israelite spies by lying about their whereabouts. I don't know how they survived when the wall fell down, since her house was on the wall. I guess it was a miracle or something.)

Then they burned everything in the city, except for the gold, silver, iron, and bronze, which they put into God's treasury.
They burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein: only the silver, and the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the LORD. Joshua 6.24
After destroying Jericho, Joshua said that whoever rebuilt the city would be cursed by God and be forced to sacrifice his oldest and youngest sons.
Joshua adjured them at that time, saying, Cursed be the man before the LORD, that riseth up and buildeth this city Jericho: he shall lay the foundation thereof in his firstborn, and in his youngest son shall he set up the gates of it. Joshua 6.26
(According to 1 Kings 16:34, this prophecy was fulfilled when Hiel rebuilt Jericho. God made him lay the foundation with the body of his oldest son and set up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to the word of the Lord.")

Estimated number killed: 1000.

God's next killing: Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

04 September 2009

God's Killings in Deuteronomy

Here's a summary of God's killings in Deuteronomy.
Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total
1 God slowly kills the Israelite army Deuteronomy 2:14-17 500,000 500,000
2 God kills the Zamzummim in the land of the giants 2:22-23 10,000 510,000
3 God hardened King Sihon's heart in order to kill all his people 2:26-28 3,000 513,000
4 God helps kill all the men, women, and children in 60 cities 3:3-6 60,000 573,000

But God not only killed in Deuteronomy; he commanded everyone else to kill, too.

Here are just some of the people God wants you to kill.

  • Prophets, dreamers, and people who can do signs and wonders Deuteronomy 13:1-5

  • Family and friends if they believe in the wrong god 13:6-10

  • Everyone in every city that has at least one person who believes in the wrong god 13:12-17

  • Anyone who has religions beliefs that are different than yours 17:2-7

  • People who won't listen to a priest or a judge. 17:12-13

  • All false prophets and false witnesses 18:20-22, 19:18-19

  • Stubborn and rebellious sons 21:18-21

  • Rape victims who don't cry out loud enough 22:23-24

  • Any Amalekites you happen to run across 25:19

And if you refuse to kill any of these people (or to do any of the other things God told you to do in Deuteronomy), then God will kill you after he forces you to eat your own children. (God wrote a whole chapter about this. See Deuteronomy 28:16-68 for the gory details.)

01 September 2009

The Worst Verse in the Bible

Ship of Fools is asking people to name the worst verse in the Bible. You can nominate your favorite worst verse here.

I always have a hard time with this. There are so many to choose from. But I picked Jeremiah 19:9.
And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend....
A god that would force parents to eat their children is a god everyone should stay away from.

Which verse do you think is the worst? I'm especially interested in what believers think about this. Are there any bad verses in the Bible, or is Jeremiah 19:9 as good as Leviticus 19:18?